Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
ttyl tear gas
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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