Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I still have a little drunk in my system
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
