Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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