I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
