He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize