We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
you're hired as official boob wrangler
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize