It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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