Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
