can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
