She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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