I can tuck mytits in my pants
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
apparently the secret to your success is patron
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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