I think my fart just growled at me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
