I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
