how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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