It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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