the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
