I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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