I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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