Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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