chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
