I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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