I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
