2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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