Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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