I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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