Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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