I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
