Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
