Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize