He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
