god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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