I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
