Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
