the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
