I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
