I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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