Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
