my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
