happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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