if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
