Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
