i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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