The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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