I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
