Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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