ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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