Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize