my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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