you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
