If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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