Nicole vs. Life
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
