Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
