Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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