Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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