I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
