So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it's like iHOP with fire
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
