so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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