seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
