My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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