Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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