Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize