i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Operation Purity has been aborted
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
