Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
