and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
