So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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