He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
