So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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