If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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