Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
