Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
