Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
